She Really Did
by Foolinq Love
Summary: Spike recollects about his relationship with the Slayer. Sort of a prequel to "My Thing."
1. A Shoulder to Cry On

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"She Really Did"

By; Foolinq Love

They all said they saw her give me those looks, the kind of looks you give the person you love. I never saw them, but they all said they had. At the end of the day, I was told she loved me and it was evident to everyone except the two of us. We were in our own little world, but everyone else could watch us as we did whatever you wish to call it. We piddled around, shagging and fighting. When it turned sour, it was the same. And then, she went soft. She melted into butter as I stepped into a room. I never noticed the slimy butter hanging down against my boots and I was blind to the fact she could ever love me. After being denied for so long, the fact that she could never love me was impacted within my mind and yet, I still fought for her. I fought when I was winning the battle because I didn't notice to look at the white flag she held up with her new emotions and actions. The tender touches, loving looks, and calming conversations were all her way of saying I won.

Like I said, I was blind to her feelings except the ones that she wanted me to think she had. I was whipped and now, I admit it fully. I was her puppy, her love-struck puppy. And she was the naïve little girl that abused the puppy, hugged it, and then pulled on it's tail, but deep down, she loved the puppy. Lucky me, I found all this out after she was gone. Everyone around us saw the way she was around me and how it altered. I never seemed to notice. She was still Buffy and I was still Spike. Nothing had changed to me. As for her feelings, I couldn't see them suddenly changing and growing into a powerful, driven love. That's what made me blind.

I suppose it all changed after that kiss. That kiss after we sang and danced. That was it. It changed how she viewed me and that's when she had to fight her attraction to me. She fought it like it were a bad that she needed to get rid of. In her mind, her love for me was another baddie that she needed to kill to move on. She was afraid of what they might think; that she became soft and went against her word. I could see it in the way she looked at me, or rather glared. And I still looked at her, taking in her beauty through my wide, crystal pools. I lovingly watched as her chest moved up and down, oxygen flowing through her body. I listened to her heartbeat steadily, like the drum of an ancient warrior. I watched her move gracefully as she fought against all the demons life in general threw at her. That kiss cleared my vision. It made me see that I loved her even more than I had previously believed.

Then, came the sex game. It wasn't just about the sex; it was about the mind games she played with me. For a moment of pure bliss with her, I would allow her to play these silly mind games with me. I let her because I wanted to have her body caress softly against mine and I wanted to have her in my arms. I wanted so much from her that I could never had because she played mind games with everyone, not just me. It was just one big game then. She fooled everyone, including herself as my love rapidly grew. The obsession and need for her grew, that's why I tried to rape her. Ashamed with myself, I left and went to go please her some more. I did the unthinkable for a vampire.

I got my soul back for the Slayer's affection. I went crazy and she mended me back to health. I was tortured and she saved me. Her cold glares turned into innocent, loving looks of love. After I was tortured by the First, she was bandaging my wound. I remember she looked up at me with those big, emerald pools of pure sorrow. A solemn tear fell down her cheek and I just smiled at her. She felt bad for my pain, but I just smiled at her. Wiping the tear away, I continued to watch her, taking in her beauty. A sigh expelled from her lips as her digits softly trickled down my chest. She looked down and muttered softly, "I wish it weren't like this." 

I wish it wasn't like that either. Life became harder then. Tons of Potentials running around the house, chattering incessantly. Those tender moments we shared increased until finally, the weight was lifted. 

It was about three thirty in the morning and we sat on her bed. Her blonde tresses hung down against her shoulders as her emerald orbs barely shinned their normal twinkle. A black turtleneck tightly wound around her chest and a pair of blue jeans hung from her curvy hips. She sat criss-cross, looking up at me as salty droplets fell from her eyes. I sat criss-cross across from her on the bed; just wearing a black wife beater and a pair of black pants. She wiped away the tears with her tan hands, but they continued to fall from her orbs. Her tainted tiers finally parted and she spoke in a low whisper. "I'm afraid and. . ." She fell against me, draping her arms over my shoulders. I slowly wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close to my body. Feeling her warmth, I wanted more of her.

I gently rubbed her back, soothing her sobs. Before pulling away from me, she drew in a deep breath of air. Resuming her seat, she wiped the tears away again. My digits fell together atop my lap. "Buffy, you have the right to be afraid. There's no bleeding rule that says you can't fear things. I know that I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid of losing you, losing Niblet, or getting staked. Slayer, don't be afraid to fear. You can and that's what you're going to do. Yeah, I know. You're the leader, well, forget it because you can fear. You don't need to hide it because you're not alone in your fear. And, if you say they won't respect you, then just don't show it in front of them. You can tell me."

The Slayer smiled softly at me as I tried to mend her pain for once. She ran a hand through her silky blonde tresses, shaking them around. "I always complain to you Spike. About everything. All of this drives me crazy and I force it out on you. I'm sorry for putting you through this. Ya know? Just for constantly running back to you and spilling myself. It must be really annoying to hear me complain and spill after something happens. But, you just sit there, take it in, and then give me advice about how to make it better. You don't have to, but you do. I never thank you for being there; I take you for granite. So. . . I guess I'm trying to say thank you for being here for me. You always are." I nodded at her, smirking ever so slightly.

"No problem love." I rubbed my legs, watching her intently after I responded to her. She had thanked me for being there and all that time, I thought I was just being nice. And after that, she did indeed take my advice. Every night after that, we sat on her bed and she cried about her fears that became prominent during the day. I just nodded, listening to her soft-spoken words. I tried to calm her fears with encouraging words and nice gestures. I always tried to make her feel like the princess she was despite her sometimes rude behavior to me. My love was unconditional. 

A few nights later, I held her within my arms as tears poured from her emerald pools of glory. Trying to rid her of the pain, I gently rubbed her back, hissing a soothing shush. She had broke down about her fears of death. What if she didn't go to heaven this time around? And she broke down about Angel since Willow was off in Los Angeles for the time being. Buffy broke down in my arms that night. It was a huge break down and she turned into a blob of tears and sobs. I didn't know what else to do. So, I rubbed her back and told her it would all be okay. "Everything will be fine." Yeah, right.

That's when she looked up at me, teary-eyed and said softly, "No Spike, it won't be fine." She was right; it wasn't right. Things weren't right in that house or in her mind. Things weren't right in my mind because I didn't truly have her in my arms. She wasn't mine and that's why I wasn't alright. I chuckled softly. She was right and I couldn't lie to her anymore. Things weren't fine. Things would never be fine again after I fell in love. As for every other thing, it was much finer than my relationship with the Slayer was. Believe me, nothing was fine at that point. 

I looked down into her eyes and agreed softly, "Yeah, you're right; it's not fine and dandy. I just want you to be okay and not have to worry about all this because you shouldn't have to. This worrying stuff isn't made for you. You have to save the world, not worry. So, stop. Leave it all to me." She smiled up at me, but I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking that she couldn't stop worrying and heaven forbid I take that over for her. Despite these thoughts, she smiled up at me and nodded slowly. I moved a digit up, wiping a tear away from her cheek. I smiled down at her.

We slowly began to move towards one another. Our eyes slowly closed as our tiers slowly parted. It was like lightning when our lips finally met. We kissed together atop her bed for what seemed like hours to me. She then slowly pulled away, sliding her hands under my shirt. She lifted it over my head and flung it to the ground. She moved her face back to mine, but I pulled by head back. "What are you doing Slayer? If you think that we're going to. . ." She cut me off with a simple kiss and we ended up having rough sex on her bed then. 

Her head rested on her chest and her emerald hues watched our two hands as they lay together intertwined. My other arm was wrapped around her body, gently resting on her hip. The pastel sheet covered our two sweat stricken bodies. The air was hot and heavy. "Wow," I muttered softly for it had been the first time in so long I had felt her body move with mine in that moment of pure passion. I gently began to rub her hip, staring down at our hands. Was this how two people were supposed to be after sex? I never really did know because my sex life was anything but normal.

I raised our hands and softly kissed her's. Letting them fall back down, I looked down at her. "What does this mean love?" I had to ask. I had to know what our moment of passion meant. What would become of us now? I just had to know. She glanced up at me with those eyes. Those eyes that drove me insane. She parted her lips and paused. I knew she was thinking. She didn't even know what was to become of us.

"I. . ." she paused, "I think we should remain friends." And with that, she leaned over and grabbed her clothes off the floor. She slipped them on under the covers before rising out of the bed. She looked down at me. "It could never work. You're beneath me Spike and we both know it." She turned to the door, placing her slender digits over the knob. And she did what I didn't expect her to do. She glanced back at me before turning the handle and leaving. She took one long look before she walked out of her room that night. Why? Because she really did love me. 


	2. Patrol Time

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"She Really Did"

By; Foolinq Love

The next day after our fun in the bed, I noticed how she hid behind Xander. Anya saw it too. The ex-demon glared at the Slayer who was hanging all over the Whelp. Jealously emitted off Anya like a light bulb emits light. She looked over at me, seeing if I was green with envy over the touching the two shared, but she saw I wasn't. I really was inside though. Bleeding hell, I was jealous, but I never once dared to show it within that house full of Potentials and what not. Buffy's had slid over Xander's as they casually conversed over the matters with the First. She was hiding her fears from her best friend.

A smile appeared on her face followed by a giggle. This was flirting. I lowered my head and began to read the book that lay open in front of me. Alas, I still heard it. "Oh Xander!" she squealed. Annoyed, I glanced up and noticed how his face was nestled softly against her ear. He was whispering something that had the Slayer giggling like there was no tomorrow. My crystal orbs moved over to the ex-demon that sat to my right. She seemed upset by the behavior and pushed the book in front of her away. Rising from her seat, she glared at Harris before stomping off. That's what I should have done too, but I continued to sit there.

Glancing to my left, I noticed Rupert and Niblet. Oh how this pleased the two of them. Dawn buried her head into her book and Giles began to clean his glasses. I heard the Slayer's giggle again and I just about had it. I forgot my book and watched them. He'd whisper something in her ear and then she'd chuckle over it until the next one came. Her hand would find it's way to his between his sweet stories. She looked up at me as he whispered. She just plainly stared at me. I knew she was hoping it was getting under my skin. I smirked at her and mouthed, "Have fun."

She raised a brow at my comment before turning her attention back to Harris. Rubbing his hand gently with her thumb, she whispered into his ear and then they were off. The two rose and made their way into the kitchen. The little boy looked up from his magazine. "I think something's going on between them." I rolled my eyes and looked down at the book. It was pure gibberish. Rupert coughed and I distinctly heard him clean his glasses. He then cleared his throat.

"Well, I truly doubt that would happen Andrew," he muttered. Glancing up at him, I closed the book. He looked at me. "She's just trying to prove to you it won't work between you too. If you'd stop hitting on her, she'd stop rubbing the fact that you can't have her in your face. You need to stay away from Buffy. Let her be. You may be her friend and she may tell you things she won't tell anyone else, but she doesn't want you like you wish she would." I looked over at the clock and stood up. Not saying anything, I walked into the kitchen.

Buffy sat alone on the counter, her chin resting on her knee as her other foot dangled above the ground. I glanced around, looking for the Whelp. She noticed and answered the question that ran through my mind; "He's not here. He went to go apologize to Anya." She paused. "And what are you doing in here?" I smirked as I made my way over to her. My combat boots smashing against the floor. I ceased when I reached the island in the middle of the Summers' kitchen. Leaning my hands on it, I looked at her. She appeared to be sad. She bloody better be after making me watch her flirt with Xander. Not to mention, Xander of all people.

Pointing to the clock on the microwave, I answered, "Patrol time. You want me to go round up the troops while you change?" She wore a pink corset-type shirt except with frilly little arms that hung under her shoulders and fading blue jeans hung from her curvy hips. Her feet were bare as well. It wasn't a slaying outfit. As for myself, I wore a black wife beater and black jeans. Normal apparel for me. 

She slowly shook her head. Oh no, now she had to disagree with me. "No, I can go out in this." Her digits softly ran through her wavy tresses that hung down covering her neck. "And, I don't think we need to take the girls. Kennedy's got them working out in the basement. We can handle it on our own." I knew why she just wanted to go alone. She wanted to talk about what happened the previous night. To explain her actions, but not her words. I understood it completely. I nodded and turned around to fetch my duster. She slipped off the counter and ran off in front of me.

Following slowly in her traces to her room, I slipped my hands into my pockets. When I walked in, I noticed how she was slipping on socks as she sat on her bed. I walked over to a chair and grabbed my duster. Slipping my arms through the holes, I watched her as she pulled the black boots on over her feet. I picked up her black jacket. She stood up and grabbed it from me, putting her arms in. Afterwards, she looked at me. "Ready?" I felt for my stake in my duster. Upon feeling the wood, I nodded. She slapped her pocket, checking for her own stake before heading downstairs.

Once outside, we slowly began to walk toward the first stop of the night. Restfield Cemetery. She glanced over at me as she began to button up her jacket. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea last night. It was just the heat of the moment and, I couldn't control myself. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it, but. . ." Her words began to falter. She didn't know how to explain it. I tried to stop her, but she just kept going. It was all her bleeding fault and she knew it.

"Slayer, I tried to stop you because I know how you feel about even the remote idea of us being together. It hurts you. But, I enjoyed what went on last night and it made me feel good inside. I love you Buffy. You know I want to be with you. But—" She cut me off.

"I think I'm in love with you Spike." My jaw dropped to the ground and I stopped walking. It was a crazy idea. She thought she loved me and I was then in heaven. She stopped walking and looked at me with those emerald orbs. I melted right there. "It's just. . .last night felt right and I was scared. But, I think I feel for you. I know there's something here between us and I'm just trying to sort out my feelings first before I come to that end all conclusion. So, before we go have that long us talk, let me think and sort it all out." 

I blinked my eyes and took in a deep, un-needed breath of air. She had to sort out her feelings. I had a chance with the girl of my dreams. The girl I constantly thought of and wanted. The girl who I would do anything for. I was in heaven. I was the happiest vampire ever at that point as she spoke those words. I nodded slowly at the end of her speech. "Of course." 

The rest of the patrol was pretty much silent. A few comments were made about what was happening within the house, but other than that it was silent. We reached the house and she paused at the porch. She looked up at me. "Can we talk tomorrow? Just the two of us, maybe in the basement. I can send everyone out patrolling and we can just talk about. . . this." Once again, I concurred to her train of thought and nodded. She placed her hand on the doorknob and looked back at me as she turned it slowly with her slender digits. She always seemed to look back. Pushing the door open, she walked inside with me following. I closed the door behind and walked into the kitchen as she made her way up the stairs.

I found Harris sitting at the island in the middle with a glass of milk and a cookie. He pointed to the stool across from him, beckoning me to sit. I sat down, folding my hands together atop the counter. I raised a scared brow at him. He swallowed the contents within his mouth before speaking. "I just want to let you know I'm sorry for what happened between Buffy and I earlier. She asked me if I'd flirt with her in front of you. She didn't say why and because I just hate you so much, I said yes. But, it meant nothing."

I smirked at him. "I kind of figured that out when I came in here after you two and you were gone. Slayer said you ran off to go apologize to Anya." He shrugged and took a swig of his milk. Setting it back down on the counter, he swallowed and looked at me. I knew he hated me and I hated him, but we had something in common. We both loved the Slayer and would do anything to protect her.

"Spike. I know Buffy has feelings for you. No matter how I try to ignore them, they're there. Every time you get hurt, she mends you back to health. Every time you need rescuing, she rescues you. She tries to spend time with you by making up excuses. I don't know if you see it or not, but there's something there. So Spike, I swear, if you hurt her either emotionally or physically, I'm going to stake you myself. Because this time, I know that she really does have some sick liking for you." He glared at me, but I knew he was just trying to protect his best friend.

I nodded. "Of course Harris. I promise I won't hurt the Slayer. I love her and you all know that." He finished off his milk and rose from his stool. He took his cup to the sink and washed it out. He put it away and walked to the door. Before he left, he turned back to me. I looked over at him. "Now what?"

"I just want to let you know that I still hate you," he said confidently before walking off. I rolled my eyes and turned back around. That Slayer sure was lucky to have so many people watching out for her back all the time. She was safe and protected by her friends. None of us would allow something bad to happen to her. Some of us would even give up our lives for her. As for me, I gave up being soul-less for her. And finally, she was taking note and rewarding me with her new thoughts of love. 


	3. First GoodBye

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"She Really Did"

By; Foolinq Love

Sitting on the cot, many thoughts ran through my brain as I waited for her arrival. The only thing I remember was that soft smelling detergent streaming from the running washer. The sound of rummaging clothes calmed through my eardrums like a pulsing beat. Hearing the turning of the brass doorknob, my crystal hues danced to the door. It slowly cracked open and she slowly placed a boot-clad foot in. The rest of her curvy, luscious body followed and I heard the door click behind her. Golden locks fell against her bare shoulders for she wore a black shirt with the arms falling under the shoulders. Red pants hung from her hips, swaying along as she stepped closer. She grabbed the stool and sat upon it, looking down on me with her emerald pools filled with emotions I couldn't read. I gazed up, in a trance and waited for her words.

"I thought Spike. I thought about you and me and us. I remembered all those things I told you last year, about how I could never love you. Sometimes, I wish I regretted them when I had the chance. Others, I'm happy I told you. I just can't help thinking back to what we had last year. That constant sex game that drove both of us crazy. I remember the things you'd do to me that drove me crazy and actually made me stay in your arms longer." She swallowed and glanced around. She was running in bleeding circles and I wasn't pleased with it. 

"I always wondered what it would be like if I didn't end it. Or if I told everyone about the things I felt with you. It scared me though. I was scared it wouldn't be the same. But if I did tell everyone and if I let it continue, where would we be?" She paused, allowing her words to sink in. "I thought about that and realized that we'd eventually be stuck. No where to go. We'd be stuck in this relationship full of sex. We couldn't do normal things or get married because we're not normal. Maybe that's why I didn't tell everyone. Maybe that mixed in with the fact I made it clear I didn't want you before. But Spike, I did end it." 

I looked at the floor. We weren't normal. She was the Slayer and I was a vampire. If our relationship continued, we would have been stuck. I looked back at her, knowing what all these words would boil down to. "So this means that you don't love me, eh?" I asked her even though I knew the answer. My digits fell together as I watched her with penetrating eyes. 

Slowly, she shook her head. "I am in love with you. For some crazy, whacked-up reason I'm in love with you. I can't hide the fact that I've felt for you. But because of our conditions, I didn't think it could work. I mean, you did try to kill me and all my friends when we first meet." I shrugged with a simple nod. Hey, the girl was right. She was the Slayer and at a point, I wanted her dead. Then, I grew used to her and liked having her around. That's when my love began to grow and flourish. 

"Remember when I was invisible?" she asked, leaving room for me to answer. I did so with a small, "Yeah." And then she continued, "I was all over you. Doing whatever you pleased. The reason I was like that was because I was free of all the stress that comes along with being Buffy. I guess if I didn't have all that stress, I could be your little Harmony-whore. But, I do have it and I couldn't live in that world forever." She paused for a long time, letting all her words sink to the floor before a sigh expelled from her untainted tiers. "I guess I'm done."

"Slayer, I loved you for a while and you rejected me. All I've wanted from you is just a chance, the smallest bit to be your man. I got that chance and now, I'm aimin' for more. Buffy, I want to be with you now. I want there to be a real us. You love me and I love you. It's black and white. Short and simple. So answer me. Will you?" I looked deeply within her forest greet orbs, searching for that answer I implored for. Her eyes became wide and she looked as if she was shocked at my question. She exhaled into the basement air and glanced around.

Her gaze finally returned to me. "Spike. . .I love you, but this will never be. If we were under different circumstances, hell, I'd be with you in a minute, but we're not. I just wanted to tell you I loved you before the heavy artillery jumped in and the battle began. Now that I have that off my chest, I just thought we could be friends and do that whole friendly love, Will and Xander type deal." I jumped up and glared down upon her beautiful body.

"Bleeding hell woman! I give up so much for you and you just want to be friends! You're out of your soddin' mind! I don't want to be friends. Slayer, you're insane if you think that's going to suit me just fine. And what's this about 'heavy artillery?'" She looked down at the floor after my outburst. She looked so sad, like a baby without it's mother. It made me slowly begin to crumble into a pool of pity and remorse for my words, but I didn't show it. I stood up strong like the vampire I was and glared down upon her fragile looking body.

"Angel's coming." That's all she needed to say and I understood. Nothing else would need to be explained. I sat back down and spread apart my arms, beckoning for her to fall over in them. She practically toppled from the chair into my lap where she clutched upon me. She didn't sob, or speak. We just held onto each other. The battle was going to begin and so were those hard good-byes. This was the first. It was the beginning of the end.

The rest of the byes took place from then until the day Angel arrived. The moment he stepped foot inside the house, the battle began. Buffy and I never really talked openly about our past like that again. We had one last time at _it_ though. She held my hand and looked into my eyes, telling me she loved me. That was actually the last thing she said to me. That she loved me.

Maybe I did see that she loved me and she always gave me those looks, but I didn't really know it until she flat out told me. I had been brought to believe that she hadn't. I was obsessed with her and she silently felt the same about me. It's odd to find out how someone feels when you don't have that much time left. That's what drove me mad. At least I had the memories of that final night installed in my head. But, now I know that she loved me. She really did. 


End file.
